My very first white Christmas

I haven't blogged in the last couple of days because I was in Idaho Falls at my roommate's home. I was a little bit iffy about going with him because I thought it might be awkward but his family was very nice and welcoming. I feel a bit bad because I was very quiet and may have come across as curt.

It was my first white Christmas. I grew up in Los Angeles so there weren't many chances to see snow. When we were at Idaho, there was a big snow storm right before Christmas. The trip to and from Idaho was beautiful. There was tons of snow everywhere and it made everything look so different. I'm not exactly sure what word I'm looking for here. Everything was smoothed out by a pure white sheet of snow.

While I was at Idaho, I wanted to take so many pictures but I was frustrated because I'm not a very good photographer. All I can do is point and shoot. I couldn't get any of the pictures to come out the way I wanted. So during the trip, while I was constantly being annoyed at my lack of skill, I decided I want to take some photography classes or at least an intro to photography class at school. I looked up the classes and it turns out that in order to take an intro to photography class, you need to have taken two drawing classes, and in order to take those classes, you need to have been accepted into the visual arts program.

Why is this class so inaccessible? I'm pretty sure I'm not the only person who's majoring in something that has nothing to do with visual arts but is interested in photography. There isn't a photography minor but maybe if I sign up for the other visual arts minors like theater I can take the photography classes I want and then just drop the minor. But that just seems like more work than it's worth...

We love that game but we never play 'cause we will lose and we want to stay the way we are. The way we've been for far too long.

And we feel like rain when the words all sound the same as the curtain closes on another day.

This is not a movie review

Today, I found myself with a lot of time in my hands with fall semester over and all. I was just mulling around, doing my laundry, surfing the internet, taking pictures outside, etc., and I came across this movie that one of my housemates had left behind. I thought I'd watch it because I hadn't watched it yet, though I had been meaning to for over a year.

Little Miss Sunshine is a movie that, I think, most people are able to identify with. The family in this movie has its problems and what they go through - both the good and the bad - is so true to life (I guess except when they sneak the grandfather's body out of the hospital...). At the end of the movie, I felt a little more peaceful than I'd been the last couple of weeks. My family is having some problems right now that we are trying to work out and I feel a little more positive about the whole thing.

I never really knew as much as I know now that every family has it's problems, and it's completely normal. No, it's not desirable, but it's OK. I think it's just another challenge in our lives that we can choose to try and overcome or not. Elaborating on what I wrote in my last post, we should to live our lives for others, especially our families. If I can help overcome my family's challenges, our lives will become so much better, and when I get married and have children, they'll be born into a family not without its problems but certainly less.

Look at the hottie in the tight jeans. Look at the pipe dreams. Look at the fat man burst at the seams. Look at the captian with the galaxy right off his balcony. Look at the science and the alchemy. Look at the sirens on the cop cars. Look at the pop star. Look at the convicts filing the bars. Look at the wife. Look at the knife. Look at the pom-pom prom queen scream and scream and run for her life.

It's always right, the perfect light in the dark of night. Give up the world. Give up your life 'cause you cannot fight the television.

Look at me hypnotized and half alive. Maybe it's four or five. Some parts are sleeping. Some parts are paralyzed. The television, television.

The meaning of life

It snowed a good amount today. I'd say a couple inches. My friend, Jory, while coming off the I-15, got into a car wreck. Two cars hit the car behind him, which hit him, causing him to hit the car in front of him. His windshield blew out and his airbags were deployed but, thankfully, he wasn't hurt. After he took care of the insurance and came home, he called my roommate to ask him to take him to the hospital because he thought he might have whiplash. So, my roommate drove him to the hospital and I tagged along. It was two hours before he saw a doctor.

During the wait, my roommate and I read some magazines and then I started watching the fish in the tank. It was kind of sad. All the fish were just kind of floating around without a purpose. They weren't active at all. Some were just popping in and out of a hole, others were swimming in circles, and the clown fish were just sitting in the anemone. There just was no point to their being there. They simply existed.

I started thinking about life. Sometimes, life gets dull and we feel like the fish with no purpose. I'd hate to think that the point of life is simply to exist. It has no meaning. I wondered what makes my life special and different from these fish. What makes life meaningful and bearable? I'd say it's the relationships that we make that makes life worthwhile. It's when I live for others that I feel like I'm truly living. Knowing I made a significant difference in another's life is a lot more comforting than not. That's why I'm determined to help as many people as I can.

Incidently, Jory came out with a neckbrace and two prescriptions for Valium and something else. Turns out he had cervical something and muscle strain. Maybe that's basically what whiplash is? I don't know but it didn't sound too serious. Thank goodness he came out of that wreck with nothing more than that.

Sweetheart, you're fine. Mediocre people do acceptional things
all the time.

Christmas this year

I haven't really been diligent about my blogging. However, it is finals week, so you're just going to have to understand. I have one more final to take, which is for my Human Development class, and I have yet to start studying for it. I was planning on taking it tomorrow but I'll probably end up taking it on Friday.

Anyways, Christmas is coming up but I will not be spending it with my family. Some things have happened and it is much easier to make things right by staying in Provo than it is by going home. This was an immensely tough choice. I feel like I'm letting people down but after thinking about it for about a week, I think I'm making the right choice. Apologies to friends and family.

I might go up to Idaho with my roommate to his home for Christmas or I might go to my aunt and uncle's home a couple minutes away from my apartment. I'm not exactly sure what's going to be happening. For now, I should just concentrate on getting my final done with.

Loans schmoans

I. Hate. Loans. I'm trying to apply for a loan for my tuition and it is so unnecessarily complicated. Why can't I just fill out ONE application and then be told whether or not I got the loan? Why do they have to know how much in grants I expect to have four years from now and why do they expect me to know this? Is it really necessary that they know how much I spend per year on entertainment? And why does the entire process have to be in a billion parts with a 2 business day wait in between each part? This is so stupid. I'm very upset because I've been trying to work on getting this loan for so long.

I've just had a thought. I'm planning on serving a mission for 2 years starting August of next year. I don't have any money saved up for it and I've been planning on working while going to school next semester but if I go to school part time, I would be able to save up more money. My dad won't be happy about it because he wants me to concentrate on studying but its all about priorities.

What's most important? Even though my classes important, it means a lot that I pay for my mission on my own. I'm not feeling very independent at this point, and I think paying for even just a part of my mission will make my life a little more significant.

Traffic in Utah

I haven't blogged in a while. Yesterday was the last day of classes for fall semester so I've been scrambling to get last minute assignments done before then. Today and tomorrow are reading days so I should've studied but my roommate and I went Christmas shopping for basically the entire day.

We've decided Utah is being stupid about traffic. In Los Angeles, traffic is considered to be a problem whereas here the mindset seems to be that traffic is just something that happens. The roads here have absolutely terrible traffic control and so rush hour is a lot worse than rush hour in Los Angeles, which is sad because Los Angeles must have a billion times more cars.

Also, it is impossible to watch a movie or just relax in my apartment because of certain people.

I want that for Christmas

So I've been thinking about Christmas and about how I still haven't done any Christmas shopping at all. Then, I started thinking about how the consumerism during the holidays is just disgusting. It's as if we're unable to show our appreciation for someone without buying something that's ridiculously overpriced and going to be obsolete in a matter of months. This goes the other way as well. Why can't we appreciate it if someone gets us a gift that may not exactly be the most expensive gift but is a well meant gift.

I might have thought this because I don't exactly have enough money to buy gifts for anyone and I don't want people to feel bad. Christmas shopping is so hard and time consuming. Why can't I just buy orange chocolate balls for everyone?

What's that idiot doing walking like that?

So I've been really bored lately because finals are coming up and I have many more excuses to procrastinate. I installed Diablo II onto my computer to help me procrastinate but it turns out my laptop sucks so much that it can't even run games that came out 7 years ago. I bought my computer several months ago so you'd think it'd be able to run near obsolete games but no. If you did think that you'd be wrong because my laptop sucks some major balls. The video card is worse than the one in the PC back at home that I put in 2 or 3 years ago.

Anyways, it kind of snowed all day today. It was just around 32 degrees today so the snow would eventually turn into slush. So since I was wearing my Chucks today, I had to be very careful where I walk. I might've embarrassed my roommate in the parking lot of Walmart tonight because I'm pretty sure I looked like an idiot tiptoeing in the slush.

Also, I was tiptoeing in Salt Lake City because I went up there with some people to watch BYU play against Michigan State in basketball. We lost. It wasn't as bad a loss as it could've been though. BYU is ranked 20th and Michigan State 9th if I remember correctly. We lost by about 6 points so it's not that bad, I guess. It was fun while it lasted.

It's getting pretty late but I took a 2 hour nap today so I'm probably going to be up for a long time. Maybe I should study for my finals...

What a lazy punk.

I'm such a lazy punk. Today, I went to a help session for the final lab in my programming class. Then, I came home and didn't go to my classes. I went to the mall, did the laundry, and watched Batman Begins with a friend. Nothing productive was done today. Nothing at all, unless you count the laundry but that was long overdue.

I didn't want to go to class because it was raining all day today. I don't have any warm socks nor any shoes good for rain. My toes were cold, my pants were wet, and I was tired because, last night I went to bed at 1 A.M. but couldn't fall asleep until after 1:58 A.M., which is when I checked my phone for the time. Now, I'm about to pass out but I've made a commitment to blog everyday so I want to write at least a couple paragraphs. It's funny that of all the commitments I've decided to keep today, it wasn't to study but to blog. Once again, I'm a lazy punk.

One question. If there was a third world war, what would survive? I say cockroaches, mice, and Dolly Parton.

I've done it!

I was lost and now I am found! I've found my calling in life. That was pretty quick though. I was just yesterday that I thought I've lost my direction in life. After thinking about it all night last night and all day today as well as meeting with a counselor, I've decided I want to work with the U.N. I want to do research for third world nations and for people who need help. I don't want to be part of consumerism, developing new iPods and cars.

So anyways, I'm very excited about this because now I have a direction in my life. I wasn't entirely convinced about my previous college plans but now I'm sure this is what I want. I have to say though, I'm not exactly sure how possible it is for me to get a job at the U.N. I'm not exactly sure how this works. I should probably do some more research about this new plan of mine.

The more I think about it, the more I realize how difficult getting a job at the U.N. would be but this is a challenge I'm more than willing to take on. First, I have to go on a mission, which will last 2 years. I'll really start going for these goal in about 2 and a half years.

Crossroads

I'm not so sure what I want to do with my life anymore. Until now, I was dead set on majoring in electrical engineering and minoring in music so I can work with music technology. Frankly, I wanted to do this because the high pay really appaled to me. This may seem shallow but I come from a family where money was tight. My dad is a single parent and had to work to support me and my grandmother and I want to be able to treat them well once I begin my career. I feel an obligation to repay my parents for being able to deal with my selfish self despite money being tight. So money is an important factor for me when choosing my major.

The problem with this is that I want to be able to do something useful with my life. I look around and see so many problems in the world. I want to be able to make a difference instead of just sit in a lab all day and play with speakers. I don't want to just think of my own little world. I want to be someone with influence, maybe like a teacher or something, but, like I said, money is important as well.

I need to either convince myself that money is not as important or I need to find a career where I will be satisfied and have a decent salary. The latter is unlikely. What am I going to do? I can either sell out or try to make a difference. The "correct" answer is obvious but not so easy to choose.

Changes

I'm very excited for the next semester. There are 2 weeks left of classes for this semester and I've totally botched it. I'll rationalize by saying it was my first semester of college. Next semester, I have a full load with awesome classes. After completely messing up this semester, I'm excited to prove myself by going at the next at full speed.

I feel like I'm at a point where my life is changing. I'm actively trying to change my personality and habits. That being said, I'm excited for the new year because then I get to make resolutions. New year's resolutions are always more helpful than just trying to make changes. I'm going to be making a very long list of goals like not missing more than 2 classes next semester and staying ahead of my studies. I'm very excited.

Whew. Now that that's out of my system

I feel better today thanks to yesterday's explosion of angst. This happens once or twice a year where the sum of disappointments, annoyances, bad grades, and fights since the last explosion is greater than the amount a brain dead person is able to handle. Now that I've got all of this bad mojo out of my system, I'm not doing so bad. Going to church today helped a lot.

I've decided that I just need to have confidence in myself. I know what I have to do. The problem is doing it. I need to get over myself and just do it. Starting today, I'm going to start sleeping earlier to wake up early to study the scriptures and go running before going off to class. I'm reserving 3 to 6 for studying. I will not answer phone calls, go on chatting programs like AIM, or go on Facebook. I'm going to campus early to work on my labs as well. So now it's 10:41 and I'm going to sleep.

Next time: Me and the Nobel Peace Prize

The whole damn world one-ups me everyday

Lately I've been feeling extremely inadequate and down. Part of it is because I've completely given up on my chemistry class because I don't see the point as I am learning absolutely nothing from my idiot professor and am going to need to take the class again. I'm expecting a glaring fail on my transcript. At least until I retake it.

Because of that and a lot of other things, it seems that everything I can do amounts to a great big nothing because everyone can do it better. Everyone is smarter than me and gets better grades. Everyone is more musical. Everyone just knows more about everything and can do everything better. The ideal solution is to try my best and if I come up short, I'll at least have tried my hardest. What a joke. Who thinks like that anyways? I think, to prevent myself from ever being bested by someone who tries half as hard as I do, I just stop trying. That way I have an excuse as to why I suck major balls at life.

Obviously, this is really unhealthy but I can't get over this feeling of helplessness that seems to weigh down on me every time I try to do something. I can't help but feel that everything I do is useless because there's always going to be someone better than me. My parents have never pressured me to be the best at everything. They always stressed doing what I enjoy and doing my best but I guess it's just my personality that makes me absolutely despise losing.

I don't even know what I want to major in anymore. I thought, until recently, I wanted to major in electrical engineering but now I feel there's no way I can be successful in this field. If I think about it, I don't know if I even want to stay in college. I feel like I've already lost at everything.

How do you get over feeling like this? I might have lucked out because it's almost the new year and I've been pretty good about resolutions. The list this year is going to be very long.

Dang it

I just typed up an entire entry about a book I'm reading and about how I need to rethink my life and why. This sucks. The website didn't even save the drafts of it even though it said it did. I guess I'll just redo it tomorrow.

Hormones and the big S-E-X

There's something in the air here. To be more exact, there's something about 30,000 18 to 25 year old Mormons in a mad frenzy to get married before they pass their "prime". To be honest, in high school I never really understood why everyone seemed to have a need to have a boyfriend or a girlfriend. It seemed like some people just needed someone even if they didn't like the person. I've seen people enter another meaningless relationship on the same weekend that their previous one ended. It must've been the teenage hormones urging them to get some action.

Before I actually came to BYU, I told myself that I don't want to get married until I graduated. I guess I could get married in my last year, but there was no way I was going to have kids before I graduated. That would just leave me broke and tired. I also thought to myself I'd probably be surrounded by people who are dating like fiends, so I promised myself I wouldn't get caught up in it. Easier said than done.

It seems I tend to become like the people I'm surrounded by. I'm going to have to surround myself with the people that aren't dating (losers and married people) if I'm going to keep the promise I made myself. Of course, then I run the risk of becoming a loser or worse, MARRIED. Cue climatic music.

This isn't looking very good for me.


P.S. I can't stand pianists who can't trill properly and uses rubato distastefully. They make my eye twitch madly and I lose several hundred brain cells. My face contorts into something like the aliens from Independence Day and I spasm.

The route of death

After vegetating back in Los Angeles in my parent's apartment for about a week, my roommate and I are now back in our own apartment in Provo. It took us about 10 hours to get back to Utah. Once we got settled back in, we decided to go running. Let me tell you, in this elevation of 6000 plus feet, air is basically nonexistent meaning there is no oxygen available for my body. I ran out of breath after a little more than a block. When we got back, I felt like blacking out for about 10 minutes. I'm surprised I lasted as long as I did though. I've been feeling pretty fat lately so I think I'll try to run regularly.

Speaking of trying to run regularly, I've been having a problem with getting started on my goals. I was talking to my roommate and he has introduced me to the concept of underwhelming. What you do is set a goal for yourself that is so underwhelming that there's no way to not meet the goal as long as you do it. For example, I will now set a goal to go running 4 times a week. It doesn't matter if I run a block or 10 miles. As long as I get up and do it, I will have met that goal. It's fantastic for me because my problem is getting started.

Underwhelming goal: get off fat ass and run!

I need more time!

So I've been home since Saturday night for Thanksgiving weekend. I'm having fun and all but I can't help but have this unsettling feeling, like I should be studying or something. The fact that I skipped two days of classes is probably adding to that. When I get back, I have a chemistry and programming test to take as well as a paper due for my Human Development class so I'm feeling very wary of this impending doom. On the bright side, there are basically only 3 more weeks of classes left until the semester is over.

While I've been home, I've been able to indulge myself in things that I don't have in Utah. In-N-out, homemade Korean food, awesome restaurants, a car, very many malls, a desktop. The thing I've missed the most I think is having a subscription to Time magazine. I didn't realize that Time was basically my main source of news. I don't really read the newspaper or watch the news but I do read Time from cover to cover. Now, it may not be the best source of news but it's the only source I have and I miss it.

I think I want to have my dad mail me the Time magazines that he gets. The logical thing to do, of course, would be to just subscribe one for my apartment in Utah but c'mon! I don't have that kind of money! I'm what we call a Starving Student. I guess if I stopped buying food at the cafeteria and started making all of my meals I'd have more money but who wants to do that? I tried it and lasted 3 days.

In other news:

1. I've made a couple goals for my life. One is to retire with enough money to have a chauffeur so that I don't kill people as I drive to the store to buy a cabbage. Another is to start a charity.
2. I've decided that making a living by blogging is totally awesome. I'm not sure I have the writing skills or the eventful life needed for a successful blog. My life is pretty boring, or maybe I'm just not good at writing about things that happen in a way that people would be interested in reading. Maybe I should major in English...
3. Coming home for breaks isn't as fun as it used to be. I'm feeling surprisingly frustrated and stressed at home. My parent's apartment is extremely comfortable but I don't think I could ever live with my parents again. I'm considering not coming home for winter break.
4. I'm going to have to get a job as soon as possible. Christmas is coming around and it's only just recently that I realized that I don't have the money to buy Christmas and birthday presents. I can at least give late Christmas presents. I should also be adding money into my savings account.

The example

So, this morning I turned on the news to see what the weather would be like today. I didn't get to see the weather but I did see the traffic report. I saw a portion of a freeway near Salt Lake City and mistook it was the 405 South back in L.A and I felt a little pull. Call me crazy but the traffic reports and freeway congestions in the mornings before school is actually something I want to be a part of again. I miss that. I'm a city person and I love Los Angeles.

Anyways, after the news a show called "The Mike and Juliet Show" came on. It was like a Regis and Kelly ripoff. But that's not the point. In this show, they had a segment about Kanye West's mom's death and the dangers of cosmetic surgery. I don't know if no one noticed before but it's cosmetic SURGERY. It's not a little procedure like an eye test at the optometrist or something. This is a surgery that is supposed to happen in a sterile environment. There is anesthesia and cutting open of the body. There are bandages and weeks, even months, of rehabilitation.

In this segment, they were saying that the doctor that was supposed to perform the operation told her to get her heart checked to make sure it was safe for her to undergo this operation. On top of that, she wanted to do two procedures at once. Each of the procedures are huge procedures just by themselves. What's more is that she wasn't exactly young. Her body is weaker because that is just what happens with age and there are more precautions to take.

I'm not saying that I'm glad that Kanye West's mom died because it's terrible. I can't even imagine how he would be coping with it, but something had to happen that would open people's eyes. Now you could say that raising awareness by doing segments in the news could do it but honestly. Really? Is that really going to work? The people who would go overboard aren't exactly the type of people who follow politics and read the newspaper. They get their "news" by standing in line at Albertson's and reading about Hilary Duff's latest trip to a rehabilitation center.

I feel like so many people are going to take this wrong but some good is going to come out of this death. DON'T EVEN SAY I'M A BAD PERSON FOR BEING GLAD SOMEONE DIED. There is a purpose for everything and this is going to raise awareness more than anything else I can think of.

Also, a woman was raped by a homeless man after walking 2 miles away from her home and flirting and kissing him while asleep. Yes. She was sleepwalking the whole time. The question is is it rape if the homeless guy was had no way of knowing that she was asleep and in no condition of giving consent? To top that off, he is mentally ill. Regardless of whether or not he knew she was not in a condition to consent, what happened was terrible. So what happens if it is decided that the guy is not guilty of rape because he couldn't have known?

Geez...

I haven't written in a while. It's been rough. Chemistry and programming class stinks. The labs take forever to finish and the professors are essentially useless. The labs for my programming class is especially bad. I spent the entire week in the freezing computer science lab and I still haven't finished it. Anyways, I've been extremely stressed and I'm in the mood to really expand on that. I feel pretty bad this week emotionally as well as physically. I've eaten fast food almost everyday because after spending an entire day on campus, I'm not in the mood to make some bland food for myself before I have to study for my other classes to make up for the entire day I spent doing my programming lab.

I've been getting better at being more optimistic in the last few years but this week I'm just too burned out to even want to try to be more optimisitic. I've actually sat down and tried to find just one thing that's good in my life and, besides the cliche things like family and friends (which, right now I am taking for granted, know I'm taking them for granted, and don't care that I'm taking them for granted), there isn't a single thing.

I'm also more irritable. There are some people who make me angry just with their voices. It's very irrational and immature of me, I know, but I just don't care. Now that I'm writing and thinking about it, I'm completely stressed out right now and pretty much don't care about anything. Just the thought of how much time I spent at the lab and how much more of my lab is left makes me cringe and I just don't want to think about it.

Anyways, the weekend is coming up. Hopefully, I can use it to rest and catch up on some studying.

The wonders of planning

So I've been told by several people that I need to buy myself a planner. Certainly, if I used a planner, I'd be less prone to forgetting 3 tests. If I used one, that is. I've had several planners and/or to-do lists. The problem with these things is that I think it's too much of a hassle to have to carry them around, and be constantly pulling it out to check it or to write something down. Besides, even if I did use it, I seem to think that I'll be able to remember things. Like if a professor were to tell me that there is an extra credit opportunity, I would probably remember it. Or at least that's what I think but no. I forget about half the time. I'm not sure why, after forgetting about these things so many times, I still feel like I'm going to remember to do things.

Tomorrow, I'm buying a planner and I'm going to write in it constantly.

Today's been an ok day for me. I got a good portion of my programming lab done. I was hoping to have it finished today but the T.A.s were not responding to my constant flagging on the help program. It may have had to do with the fact that there were about 40 people in the lab all wanting help at the same time. Maybe... I'm still annoyed about it though. Anyways, since I didn't finish it today, that means I'm going to the lab early tomorrow morning.

I was good about games/TV today. Played 2 games of Halo and didn't watch TV at all. That's not to say I got much studying done but it's definitely an improvement. We just had about 6 people in the living all playing and/or watching people play Halo, and I've somehow been able to ignore it.

Note to self, though: Don't buy fast food. I've had bad stomach pains after eating a burger, fries, and chocolate shake from the Malt Shoppe down the street. It might be because I ate it late, around 10:30. I've noticed that when I eat greasy foods later, I have stomach problems. I think I'm getting old because I've never had a problem with eating greasy foods regardless of what time it was. The 18 year old says he's getting old. Hilarious.

Anyways, if I stop buying fast food, I'd be saying money and being healthy. Two birds with one stone. Frozen bags of popcorn chicken and fish sticks don't count though. If you bake them in the oven, they can hardly be called fast food. And I would starve if they did count.

I think this Saturday, I should spend quite some time cleaning my room and organizing it a little bit. It's starting to get unmanageable. I also need to buy some more hangers. Ever since my dad sent my winter clothes, there has been a shortage of hangers. I forsee a trip to Walmart in the future.

Hilarious

It's been a rough week. In addition to forgetting my human development and German tests, I also forgot about my chemistry test. So, I postponed my German test and took it on Tuesday night instead of Monday night and took my chem test today. On Monday, I had to go help set up my ward's Halloween party. I was gone from 4:30 until pretty late. Setting up the party was no picnic. I was already extremely irritable from forgetting my tests. Certain people did not help.

So on Monday night, I was pretty irritated. Yesterday and today just blew it for me. I've been pretty pissed off the entire time. Why do some people just don't have any sense? The Korean word, 눈치 (pronounced noon chee), is what I really want to use. It's kind of like the word sense but there really isn't an exact English translation of the word.

It's kind of like... If you can tell when someone doesn't want you there, you have 눈치.

I've had my revenge though. Today, on Facebook, my friend and I changed our relationship status to "In a relationship" and sent about 5 people into conniptions. Take that, 눈치less people! Take that!

But seriously, I screened many phone calls, texts, and messages. I did homework at a friend's apartment. She was one of the few people who didn't bother me at all so just hanging out with her, doing homework, and watching a couple movies definitely helped.

Normally, I don't get mad easily. I'm very tolerant of many things. When I do get mad though, it's very dangerous. I do and/or say things I should regret but don't because I am so pissed off. And I hold grudges and become bitter. I mean, c'mon! You've had that many chances and now you've gone too far. *&^#@ %^$&@#^$%&%@#$ and don't ever talk to me again, you $%@#@*&^!**! Honestly, I don't even understand how people get me mad. It's harder than quantum physics! It takes work!

There are some things I cannot tolerate though: being called a liar and not respecting my space. Doing those will shoot my anger level straight up to the sky. I have to say, though, that I've been getting mad easier since I've graduated. Compared to what I've stayed calm through, the last week is nothing. Maybe all this freedom in college is making me more reactive to things.

I think I need to stop watching TV and playing games. My goal as of now is to stop playing so much and start studying seriously. I need to start focusing because unlike in high school, how well I do here is going to seriously affect my future life. My goal after that is to start exercising and getting fit. If I have to spend more money and time on healthier foods, so be it. I'll at least I'll have extra time from not sitting in front of the TV. Well... That's the plan, at least.

The idiocy

So on Thursday, I was reminded that I have an exam for my Human Development class. That Thursday was the last day to take the exam without being charged a late fee. The Thursday before that the professor reminded the class of the upcoming exam and I made a note to myself to study for that exam. I forgot about before I even got to my next class. The next time I had that class (last Tuesday) we had the professor of another section teach us and she obviously didn't say anything. So, when I was reminded of the test by a friend, I just about died. 5 chapters and 250+ pages. The latest I could take the test is at 9 P.M.

I started reading around 11 that morning. At around 1, I walked to school, had lunch, and then for some bizarre reason went on Facebook. I wasted about 2 hours doing that... I finished reading at 3 and took the test at 3:30. I should say I skimmed the reading because there is no way I can really read that many pages in 3 to 4 hours. I took the test and it didn't turn out so bad. 86% is not a bad score for such last minute studying.

So I've been upset with myself about forgetting that test. I was determined to never let something like that happen ever again and guess what. I FORGOT ABOUT MY GERMAN TEST THAT'S AT 10 A.M. TOMORROW MORNING. I really cannot understand what is going on with me. Forgetting about 2 exams in the span of 5 days? It's unheard of! My brain must be going dead or something because this hasn't happened even in middle school and high school when I really didn't care about my classes.

So here I am. Blogging instead of studying. Not to mention I haven't done my programming lab. I'm really slacking off and I feel so bad about it. I feel so ashamed of letting myself get so behind. I've never been so behind on my work and I've never felt worse.

Halloween

So this is the first year I'm dressing up in a very long time. I've decided to be a surfer this year because I already have a wetsuit and an Abercrombie & Fitch full zip hoodie. Top that with messy hair and voila! You're a surfer. People have been asking where my goggles are though... I assume they think I'm a scuba diver so apparently I don't have a very good costume. I think it might have something to do with my wetsuit being so plain. Honestly, I wanted something with orange on it because orange is an awesome color.

So my roommate and I went over to a friend's house for a party. I was burning up, not because it was hot or anything but because I was so embarrassed of my costume. I'm wearing a skin tight wetsuit up to my waist with the arms down and a half zipped jacket. Now I don't exactly have to nicest looking body you know. I'm pretty sure my face was turning red, especially my ears. Fortunately, either no one noticed or no one said anything, which is a nice change because back at home, everyone notices and everyone says something when I turn red.

So, I guess I'll go to sleep now. Tomorrow, I'm going to have to write about yesterday's fiasco.

The new blog/My mom

So I'm not sure how many times I've created a new blog but I've done it again. I was supposed to use the last two to help myself change my habits but they didn't work so well. I've kept with a blog for an average of 4 posts so I'm not sure how long this one is going to last. Though I always say this when I start a new blog, I'm going to say it again. Let's hope this one's a keeper.

So just a little background info on me. I'm a Korean who's never been to Korea and grew up in a janky apartment in Los Angeles for almost 17 years. I speak Korean and English fluently, took 3 years of Spanish in high school, and am taking a German class now. It's my first year at Brigham Young University.

So this post I'm going to write about my mom. My parents divorced when I was three because of problems between my mom and my grandmother. As much as I love my grandmother, she is way too overbearing and, like everyone in our family, has a huge ego. I'm under the impression that she didn't want to let go of my dad and my dad had to choose between his mother and his wife. My mom and dad decided that it would be best, despite how much they loved each other, if they split up and spared me the conflict. My mom agreed that I would be raised by my dad and grandmother and that she would not contact me until I've graduated from high school.

I grew up without a mom but without as many problems as someone would guess. My grandmother filled the role of my mother. I'm told that after my parents split up, I refused to play with the other kids in preschool until my grandmother told me that God compensates for any wrongs in people's lives, and after hearing that I've just been a normal kid. Honestly, I didn't even think about not having a mom. It just wasn't an issue for me. Unless someone mentioned it, my mom was out of sight and out of mind.

Having said all that, the Sunday before I left for Utah to start college, I met my mom. At first I was excited at the thought of meeting my mom but that quickly turned to anxiety. The closer it got to the day we were supposed to meet, the more nervous I got. I mean, how was I supposed to feel? I had absolutely no memories of my mom so it would be like meeting a new person and would be awkward for me because I'm not good at meeting new people. It wasn't awkward at all though. She obviously was very emotional and was crying but I'm not a very emotional person. I was polite and all but in hindsight I wish I would've shown more emotion, at least for her sake.

Here's the funny part. We met at the lobby of a hotel in Downtown Los Angeles, and she asked me if I already ate lunch. I hadn't eaten yet and she asked where I'd like to eat. I told her that I wanted to eat suhlungtang, which isn't a very fancy dish or anything. It's just a simple Korean meat stew. She told me in exasperation, "We haven't met in 15 years and you want to eat that? No, we're going somewhere nice." So we went to have some very delicious dungeness crabs at Redondo Beach. I really wanted the suhlungtang though... I don't care how cheap it is, it's damn good.

We spent about 7 hours catching up, talking about the family, and shopping. I don't think I still realize that I've met my mother, the woman who gave birth to me. I don't understand that after growing up thinking that the only relatives I had were the families of my grandmother's two siblings in Korea, I suddenly have a huge family with aunts, uncles, nieces, cousins, etc. I even have a stepfather (who is a very awesome man by the way) and two older stepbrothers.

So that's what's been in my mind. How do you comprehend something like this? Having your family more that triple in size in a matter of moments and meeting your mother who didn't raise you. I don't mean that in a negative way at all though. I feel very close to my mom now, and we talk on the phone regularly. If I still lived in Los Angeles, I'd be visiting her every chance I got. It's just difficult to comprehend having a big family after growing up knowing only my dad and grandmother. I don't know what having a mom, an uncle, an aunt, etc., is like - or is supposed to be like. Since I've never experienced these kinds of relationships, I'm not sure how it's supposed to be and I'm still trying to figure out exactly how I'm supposed to feel about these people.

I feel like I'm being really redudant. I'm not very good at writing...
Well, I'm off to bed.