My very first white Christmas

I haven't blogged in the last couple of days because I was in Idaho Falls at my roommate's home. I was a little bit iffy about going with him because I thought it might be awkward but his family was very nice and welcoming. I feel a bit bad because I was very quiet and may have come across as curt.

It was my first white Christmas. I grew up in Los Angeles so there weren't many chances to see snow. When we were at Idaho, there was a big snow storm right before Christmas. The trip to and from Idaho was beautiful. There was tons of snow everywhere and it made everything look so different. I'm not exactly sure what word I'm looking for here. Everything was smoothed out by a pure white sheet of snow.

While I was at Idaho, I wanted to take so many pictures but I was frustrated because I'm not a very good photographer. All I can do is point and shoot. I couldn't get any of the pictures to come out the way I wanted. So during the trip, while I was constantly being annoyed at my lack of skill, I decided I want to take some photography classes or at least an intro to photography class at school. I looked up the classes and it turns out that in order to take an intro to photography class, you need to have taken two drawing classes, and in order to take those classes, you need to have been accepted into the visual arts program.

Why is this class so inaccessible? I'm pretty sure I'm not the only person who's majoring in something that has nothing to do with visual arts but is interested in photography. There isn't a photography minor but maybe if I sign up for the other visual arts minors like theater I can take the photography classes I want and then just drop the minor. But that just seems like more work than it's worth...

We love that game but we never play 'cause we will lose and we want to stay the way we are. The way we've been for far too long.

And we feel like rain when the words all sound the same as the curtain closes on another day.

This is not a movie review

Today, I found myself with a lot of time in my hands with fall semester over and all. I was just mulling around, doing my laundry, surfing the internet, taking pictures outside, etc., and I came across this movie that one of my housemates had left behind. I thought I'd watch it because I hadn't watched it yet, though I had been meaning to for over a year.

Little Miss Sunshine is a movie that, I think, most people are able to identify with. The family in this movie has its problems and what they go through - both the good and the bad - is so true to life (I guess except when they sneak the grandfather's body out of the hospital...). At the end of the movie, I felt a little more peaceful than I'd been the last couple of weeks. My family is having some problems right now that we are trying to work out and I feel a little more positive about the whole thing.

I never really knew as much as I know now that every family has it's problems, and it's completely normal. No, it's not desirable, but it's OK. I think it's just another challenge in our lives that we can choose to try and overcome or not. Elaborating on what I wrote in my last post, we should to live our lives for others, especially our families. If I can help overcome my family's challenges, our lives will become so much better, and when I get married and have children, they'll be born into a family not without its problems but certainly less.

Look at the hottie in the tight jeans. Look at the pipe dreams. Look at the fat man burst at the seams. Look at the captian with the galaxy right off his balcony. Look at the science and the alchemy. Look at the sirens on the cop cars. Look at the pop star. Look at the convicts filing the bars. Look at the wife. Look at the knife. Look at the pom-pom prom queen scream and scream and run for her life.

It's always right, the perfect light in the dark of night. Give up the world. Give up your life 'cause you cannot fight the television.

Look at me hypnotized and half alive. Maybe it's four or five. Some parts are sleeping. Some parts are paralyzed. The television, television.

The meaning of life

It snowed a good amount today. I'd say a couple inches. My friend, Jory, while coming off the I-15, got into a car wreck. Two cars hit the car behind him, which hit him, causing him to hit the car in front of him. His windshield blew out and his airbags were deployed but, thankfully, he wasn't hurt. After he took care of the insurance and came home, he called my roommate to ask him to take him to the hospital because he thought he might have whiplash. So, my roommate drove him to the hospital and I tagged along. It was two hours before he saw a doctor.

During the wait, my roommate and I read some magazines and then I started watching the fish in the tank. It was kind of sad. All the fish were just kind of floating around without a purpose. They weren't active at all. Some were just popping in and out of a hole, others were swimming in circles, and the clown fish were just sitting in the anemone. There just was no point to their being there. They simply existed.

I started thinking about life. Sometimes, life gets dull and we feel like the fish with no purpose. I'd hate to think that the point of life is simply to exist. It has no meaning. I wondered what makes my life special and different from these fish. What makes life meaningful and bearable? I'd say it's the relationships that we make that makes life worthwhile. It's when I live for others that I feel like I'm truly living. Knowing I made a significant difference in another's life is a lot more comforting than not. That's why I'm determined to help as many people as I can.

Incidently, Jory came out with a neckbrace and two prescriptions for Valium and something else. Turns out he had cervical something and muscle strain. Maybe that's basically what whiplash is? I don't know but it didn't sound too serious. Thank goodness he came out of that wreck with nothing more than that.

Sweetheart, you're fine. Mediocre people do acceptional things
all the time.

Christmas this year

I haven't really been diligent about my blogging. However, it is finals week, so you're just going to have to understand. I have one more final to take, which is for my Human Development class, and I have yet to start studying for it. I was planning on taking it tomorrow but I'll probably end up taking it on Friday.

Anyways, Christmas is coming up but I will not be spending it with my family. Some things have happened and it is much easier to make things right by staying in Provo than it is by going home. This was an immensely tough choice. I feel like I'm letting people down but after thinking about it for about a week, I think I'm making the right choice. Apologies to friends and family.

I might go up to Idaho with my roommate to his home for Christmas or I might go to my aunt and uncle's home a couple minutes away from my apartment. I'm not exactly sure what's going to be happening. For now, I should just concentrate on getting my final done with.

Loans schmoans

I. Hate. Loans. I'm trying to apply for a loan for my tuition and it is so unnecessarily complicated. Why can't I just fill out ONE application and then be told whether or not I got the loan? Why do they have to know how much in grants I expect to have four years from now and why do they expect me to know this? Is it really necessary that they know how much I spend per year on entertainment? And why does the entire process have to be in a billion parts with a 2 business day wait in between each part? This is so stupid. I'm very upset because I've been trying to work on getting this loan for so long.

I've just had a thought. I'm planning on serving a mission for 2 years starting August of next year. I don't have any money saved up for it and I've been planning on working while going to school next semester but if I go to school part time, I would be able to save up more money. My dad won't be happy about it because he wants me to concentrate on studying but its all about priorities.

What's most important? Even though my classes important, it means a lot that I pay for my mission on my own. I'm not feeling very independent at this point, and I think paying for even just a part of my mission will make my life a little more significant.

Traffic in Utah

I haven't blogged in a while. Yesterday was the last day of classes for fall semester so I've been scrambling to get last minute assignments done before then. Today and tomorrow are reading days so I should've studied but my roommate and I went Christmas shopping for basically the entire day.

We've decided Utah is being stupid about traffic. In Los Angeles, traffic is considered to be a problem whereas here the mindset seems to be that traffic is just something that happens. The roads here have absolutely terrible traffic control and so rush hour is a lot worse than rush hour in Los Angeles, which is sad because Los Angeles must have a billion times more cars.

Also, it is impossible to watch a movie or just relax in my apartment because of certain people.

I want that for Christmas

So I've been thinking about Christmas and about how I still haven't done any Christmas shopping at all. Then, I started thinking about how the consumerism during the holidays is just disgusting. It's as if we're unable to show our appreciation for someone without buying something that's ridiculously overpriced and going to be obsolete in a matter of months. This goes the other way as well. Why can't we appreciate it if someone gets us a gift that may not exactly be the most expensive gift but is a well meant gift.

I might have thought this because I don't exactly have enough money to buy gifts for anyone and I don't want people to feel bad. Christmas shopping is so hard and time consuming. Why can't I just buy orange chocolate balls for everyone?

What's that idiot doing walking like that?

So I've been really bored lately because finals are coming up and I have many more excuses to procrastinate. I installed Diablo II onto my computer to help me procrastinate but it turns out my laptop sucks so much that it can't even run games that came out 7 years ago. I bought my computer several months ago so you'd think it'd be able to run near obsolete games but no. If you did think that you'd be wrong because my laptop sucks some major balls. The video card is worse than the one in the PC back at home that I put in 2 or 3 years ago.

Anyways, it kind of snowed all day today. It was just around 32 degrees today so the snow would eventually turn into slush. So since I was wearing my Chucks today, I had to be very careful where I walk. I might've embarrassed my roommate in the parking lot of Walmart tonight because I'm pretty sure I looked like an idiot tiptoeing in the slush.

Also, I was tiptoeing in Salt Lake City because I went up there with some people to watch BYU play against Michigan State in basketball. We lost. It wasn't as bad a loss as it could've been though. BYU is ranked 20th and Michigan State 9th if I remember correctly. We lost by about 6 points so it's not that bad, I guess. It was fun while it lasted.

It's getting pretty late but I took a 2 hour nap today so I'm probably going to be up for a long time. Maybe I should study for my finals...

What a lazy punk.

I'm such a lazy punk. Today, I went to a help session for the final lab in my programming class. Then, I came home and didn't go to my classes. I went to the mall, did the laundry, and watched Batman Begins with a friend. Nothing productive was done today. Nothing at all, unless you count the laundry but that was long overdue.

I didn't want to go to class because it was raining all day today. I don't have any warm socks nor any shoes good for rain. My toes were cold, my pants were wet, and I was tired because, last night I went to bed at 1 A.M. but couldn't fall asleep until after 1:58 A.M., which is when I checked my phone for the time. Now, I'm about to pass out but I've made a commitment to blog everyday so I want to write at least a couple paragraphs. It's funny that of all the commitments I've decided to keep today, it wasn't to study but to blog. Once again, I'm a lazy punk.

One question. If there was a third world war, what would survive? I say cockroaches, mice, and Dolly Parton.

I've done it!

I was lost and now I am found! I've found my calling in life. That was pretty quick though. I was just yesterday that I thought I've lost my direction in life. After thinking about it all night last night and all day today as well as meeting with a counselor, I've decided I want to work with the U.N. I want to do research for third world nations and for people who need help. I don't want to be part of consumerism, developing new iPods and cars.

So anyways, I'm very excited about this because now I have a direction in my life. I wasn't entirely convinced about my previous college plans but now I'm sure this is what I want. I have to say though, I'm not exactly sure how possible it is for me to get a job at the U.N. I'm not exactly sure how this works. I should probably do some more research about this new plan of mine.

The more I think about it, the more I realize how difficult getting a job at the U.N. would be but this is a challenge I'm more than willing to take on. First, I have to go on a mission, which will last 2 years. I'll really start going for these goal in about 2 and a half years.

Crossroads

I'm not so sure what I want to do with my life anymore. Until now, I was dead set on majoring in electrical engineering and minoring in music so I can work with music technology. Frankly, I wanted to do this because the high pay really appaled to me. This may seem shallow but I come from a family where money was tight. My dad is a single parent and had to work to support me and my grandmother and I want to be able to treat them well once I begin my career. I feel an obligation to repay my parents for being able to deal with my selfish self despite money being tight. So money is an important factor for me when choosing my major.

The problem with this is that I want to be able to do something useful with my life. I look around and see so many problems in the world. I want to be able to make a difference instead of just sit in a lab all day and play with speakers. I don't want to just think of my own little world. I want to be someone with influence, maybe like a teacher or something, but, like I said, money is important as well.

I need to either convince myself that money is not as important or I need to find a career where I will be satisfied and have a decent salary. The latter is unlikely. What am I going to do? I can either sell out or try to make a difference. The "correct" answer is obvious but not so easy to choose.

Changes

I'm very excited for the next semester. There are 2 weeks left of classes for this semester and I've totally botched it. I'll rationalize by saying it was my first semester of college. Next semester, I have a full load with awesome classes. After completely messing up this semester, I'm excited to prove myself by going at the next at full speed.

I feel like I'm at a point where my life is changing. I'm actively trying to change my personality and habits. That being said, I'm excited for the new year because then I get to make resolutions. New year's resolutions are always more helpful than just trying to make changes. I'm going to be making a very long list of goals like not missing more than 2 classes next semester and staying ahead of my studies. I'm very excited.

Whew. Now that that's out of my system

I feel better today thanks to yesterday's explosion of angst. This happens once or twice a year where the sum of disappointments, annoyances, bad grades, and fights since the last explosion is greater than the amount a brain dead person is able to handle. Now that I've got all of this bad mojo out of my system, I'm not doing so bad. Going to church today helped a lot.

I've decided that I just need to have confidence in myself. I know what I have to do. The problem is doing it. I need to get over myself and just do it. Starting today, I'm going to start sleeping earlier to wake up early to study the scriptures and go running before going off to class. I'm reserving 3 to 6 for studying. I will not answer phone calls, go on chatting programs like AIM, or go on Facebook. I'm going to campus early to work on my labs as well. So now it's 10:41 and I'm going to sleep.

Next time: Me and the Nobel Peace Prize

The whole damn world one-ups me everyday

Lately I've been feeling extremely inadequate and down. Part of it is because I've completely given up on my chemistry class because I don't see the point as I am learning absolutely nothing from my idiot professor and am going to need to take the class again. I'm expecting a glaring fail on my transcript. At least until I retake it.

Because of that and a lot of other things, it seems that everything I can do amounts to a great big nothing because everyone can do it better. Everyone is smarter than me and gets better grades. Everyone is more musical. Everyone just knows more about everything and can do everything better. The ideal solution is to try my best and if I come up short, I'll at least have tried my hardest. What a joke. Who thinks like that anyways? I think, to prevent myself from ever being bested by someone who tries half as hard as I do, I just stop trying. That way I have an excuse as to why I suck major balls at life.

Obviously, this is really unhealthy but I can't get over this feeling of helplessness that seems to weigh down on me every time I try to do something. I can't help but feel that everything I do is useless because there's always going to be someone better than me. My parents have never pressured me to be the best at everything. They always stressed doing what I enjoy and doing my best but I guess it's just my personality that makes me absolutely despise losing.

I don't even know what I want to major in anymore. I thought, until recently, I wanted to major in electrical engineering but now I feel there's no way I can be successful in this field. If I think about it, I don't know if I even want to stay in college. I feel like I've already lost at everything.

How do you get over feeling like this? I might have lucked out because it's almost the new year and I've been pretty good about resolutions. The list this year is going to be very long.